A covert narcissist is someone who craves admiration and importance but often hides the more obvious signs of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). Unlike overt narcissists, who are assertive and outwardly expressive about their self-importance, covert narcissists exhibit more subtle behaviors. They may appear introverted, sensitive to criticism, and self-deprecating. Despite their quieter approach, covert narcissism can be just as destructive as overt narcissism. The causes of covert narcissism are not entirely understood, but factors like genetics, childhood abuse, upbringing, and temperament may contribute.  They are commonly triggered when they feel ignored, disrespected, experiencing threats to their ego, you are not doing what they believe you should be doing, and so on.  They don’t respect your personal boundaries.

Common signs of covert narcissism include:

• Sensitivity to criticism: Covert narcissists may react negatively to criticism or perceived slights.  They get offended that you have pointed out their flaws.  A normal person would be surprised but consider your observation.  But not a covert narcissist.  They must prove you wrong.  They will lash out in some way like insulting you or spreading rumors behind your back.
• Self-deprecation: They might use self-deprecating humor or put themselves down to attract attention or sympathy. They want both negative and positive attention.  They simply must have you focused on them.  But if you acknowledge their flaws, inside they are losing it and waiting to point you’re your flaws.
• Play the victim:  It is always someone else’s fault.  If they are late, it is because someone else was not doing what they believe they should and has made them late.  It is always that someone else did them wrong, so they had to do XYZ and that is why they are late or whatever the excuse is this time.
• Passive-aggressive behavior: They may express their anger indirectly through passive-aggressive actions. They may use gaslighting, sarcasm, manipulation, sabotaging, teasing, procrastinating, revenge, rumors, lies, and so on.
• Social anxiety: Covert narcissists might experience discomfort or anxiety in social situations.  The really covert person has learned to mask their anxiety and fool many people, that is until the mask falls, and you see the real person. When you see it fall, believe your eyes because you have had a rare glimpse into the real person. Some are really good at masking, but sooner or later they will reveal their true self.  Be alert!
• Fantasies about fame or glory: Despite a quieter demeanor, they often harbor fantasies about achieving great success or recognition.  And if you find fault in them, they losses it because your realistic view of them is not the one they want you or anyone else to have. They are a lot of talk and little to no follow through.
• Exaggeration of abilities: They may exaggerate their talents or achievements in subtle ways.  You have to really pay attention, or you will miss it.
• Craving for admiration: They have a strong need for admiration and validation from others, especially those they feel make them look important.  They go out of their way to be noticed by the important person they feel will give them admiration and recognition. How? Often, they will jump in front of them, way their arms in the air, bob up and down, try to force eye contact, weasel their way into their life or business, and so on.  You now the type… “Look at me, pick me!”
• Unreliable and inconsiderate:  The covert narcissist doesn’t show up on time, they don’t complete promised tasks (if they do, it’s not on time and they blame others).  They say one thing and do another, and when you point it out, you are they bad person and they attack you.
• Exploiting others: Covert narcissists may take advantage of others to achieve their own ends, often in subtle ways.  They believe it is okay to use people to get what they want.  They will lie, cheat, still, etc. to get what they want from you.  And, they don’t feel bad about it.
• Lack of empathy: They struggle to recognize or respond to the needs and feelings of others. They come across as very selfish.  But they are more than selfish. They are diabolical. If they try to understand your needs, it is only pretending in order to suck you in to take advantage of you later.

These traits can be more difficult to recognize than those of overt narcissism because they are less obvious and more internalized.  The covert almost blends in like a snake in the grass.  If you are inexperienced in spotting these snakes, you will get bitten.  You must stay on guard, watch your back, and keep your eyes and ear open.   

If you’re dealing with someone who exhibits these behaviors, it’s important to set clear boundaries and seek legal support, if needed.  When you set boundaries, the narcissist will typically lose their mind.  They will attempt to ignore your boundaries and test you.  Be prepared to stand your ground, even if it results in having to obtain a protective order from the court.  The narcissist cares only about getting attention (good and bad) and their needs met.  Know that when you file for the protective order, they will tell everyone that knows you that you are a liar, that you are crazy, that you are mean, and that you are at fault.  (They are the blames victim no matter what they have done to you.) They will fight you and start a smear campaign to punish you for telling the truth and exposing what they really are.  They will lie to their friends and family about you to get sympathy and to get them to help with their revenge.  Their friends and family are their ponds in their little cover up game.  They mustn’t be exposed. They will try to ruin you in every way possible.  Why? Because they are mentally ill.  It is plain and simple!

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